You bet your ass I’ll press 8 for further assistance!  For, you see, my call is very important to them.

I don’t, understand commas.

Distrust any enterprise that requires your credit card number.

For a shamrock shake, you’ll need 1 scoop vanilla ice cream, 1 mint sprig, and 3 teardrops from a captive leprechaun.  Blend & enjoy!

Celebrating my heritage with a shamrock shake.  It is “triple thick” - just like my father.

Change starts with this fresh pair of undies.

I’ve been beating the bushes for work.  Haven’t found a job yet, but I did find a man living in the bushes behind my house. His name’s Gary.

That TV dinner put the “grave” in gravy.

Is there an app that will take the number of liquor stores in my vicinity + my body weight in order to tell me my chance of getting beat up?

My late 30’s feel like the dread of Sunday night.  It’s still the weekend, but tomorrow is Monday.

People!! I think I may be catching Winter Olympics Fever!  How else to explain my irritable colon?

Sometimes I wish I could go back to high school, knowing what I know now about tae kwon do.

@ZoeyGirlz I wish I had just caught him and set him free.

I was just told that a monkey could do my job.  I’m deeply insulted. I’m doing the work of at least 4 monkeys…

I wouldn’t hurt a mouse.  I was too scared.  I told this other guy, and he killed it.  Now I’m sad.

But it turns out that this supposedly normal dude is actually a SECRET AGENT!  I was like HOLY SHIT, PASS THE POPCORN!

Show me someone with the highest score on Bejeweled Blitz and I’ll show you a good-for-nothing bum with zero prospects.

This is one thing you’re not going to fix by “throwing a little cilantro on it.”  I’m serious. STOP THROWING CILANTRO AT ME!

Does it count as “reading” if what I’m “reading” is a re-cap of some crappy TV show?

Google Buzz.  One more thing to ignore.